Splatterhouse

Bloody as Hell

HIGH Revving the chainsaw and delivering a long string of one-hit-kills.

LOW The 2D segments desperately need tuning.

WTF Penetrating an enemy's neck hole with its own head, over and over again.

Namco Bandai's updating the classic horror-themed side-scroller Splatterhouse hits retailers later this week (the 26th, to be exact, and available on the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3), and just in case you weren't up to speed on what the new version was going to be like, they've decided to release one more trailer.

While I never read previews, it's rare that I make it through a week without checking on The Magic Box a few times. As a result, 99 percent of my information about upcoming games from a few isolated screenshots, often blurry scans from Japanese magazines.

Most of the time, I don't draw anything but the broadest conclusions about a game from these pictures, but today I came across shots so bewildering that I found myself compelled to share them with you, the person reading this blog post.

I present Splatterhouse 2009: The Screenshots, and the snarky comments that accompany them.

Oh good, it's a generic monster with grey skin and tubes sticking out of his back. Because that went so famously well in The Suffering, Van Helsing, and Resistance.