Review By

Gene Park 0.5 RATING

"Ubi Soft tech support. May I have your name please?"

"Gene Park."

"So, what's the problem today?"

"Yeah hi. I recently acquired your Nintendo GameCube game, Charlie's Angels. And it says here in the instructions, "To grab an enemy, press the A button and X button simultaneously." I've been doing so for like the past half hour and I can't seem to get the girls to grab."

"Does some kind of action happen?"

"Not really. I just kick, which is what the X button does."

"Did the manual say to press it simultaneously?"

"Yeah it says right here. And I've done various other forms of pressing the two buttons together. A and X, X and A, R with X and A, spinning the stick around and X and A. I don't get it."

"And nothing happens?"

"No I just kick. I keep kicking."

"Here, let me fire it up and see what's the problem."

Five minutes passed.

"You know what, I can't seem to get it to work here too, um, how far have you gone in the game?"

"I think I'm in the second level, I can't really tell. The cutscenes are my only indication of progress."

"Well it says in the instructions it's an advanced move. It's possible you gain the move in a later level?"

"Well yeah maybe that could be it."

"Listen, there's a great site online with lots of hints and strategies. Maybe they have something there. Do you have a pen? The site is www.gamefa"

"Yeah I've been there before. Thanks for your help though."

So I visited the site, and the only thing there were two user reviews, one of which states that the user "hated everything about it." Then there were six message board threads, likening the game to an expensive coffee coaster and "dog crap on a stick." But sure enough, the accommodating and friendly Ubi Soft tech support guy was right. Grabbing was unlocked in the third level, despite me having the ability to do other "advanced" moves like "fight with environmental objects" and the "jump punch," the latter of which never, ever works. Nowhere in the manual says that I need to "gain" moves. Even still, the throw is absolutely useless as long as you use the two basic moves followed up by gimpy power moves like Cameron Diaz bopping foes with her hips. Kick, punch, it's all in the hind.

France-based Neko Entertainment has managed to completely screw up two of the most brainless genres in entertainment: beat-'em-up games and Charlie's Angels movies. But even those contain the minimum requirement of what constitutes pop entertainment, being sort of fun. The game hearkens back to the golden age of beat-'em-up games like Final Fight and Double Dragon, two games that also wouldn't fly by today's standards. The player must run from one end of the level to the other, fighting bad guys with dull, poorly animated fight moves. Game-revolution.com accurately likened this as the gaming equivalent of stop-and-go traffic: Fight bad guys and run forward until the screen screeches to a halt to fight more bad guys.

But in the case with the older members of the genre, their graphics were bright and elaborate for their time. Charlie's Angels mangles three of Hollywood's hottest stars into blow-up sex dolls complete with eyes permanently rolled to the back of their heads. And along with mumbled, unenthusiastic voice samples from the stars, the girls squeeze out the most uncomfortable moans when they get hit. I haven't heard moaning this awkward since I lost my virginity.

The back of the box heralds gameplay that allows the player to "take charge of all three Angels and switch between them on the fly in the heat of combat." Naturally the instruction manual tells me to "remember that you can not switch to another Angel during a fight." This time the manual told me the truth. Not that anyone would want to switch anyway. All three Angels are placed in three completely different areas that are consistent with the theme of the level (this level is construction, this level is boat, this level is Mexican). No kind of cooperation takes place.

As I mentioned, the girls only have six moves. The most effective combo is pushing either punch or kick three times. Try to mix up the two to get the same animations interchanged between punch and kick. Then there's jumping, which is more like floating. The jump kick works every once in awhile, but near impossible to land, due to the characters jumping like hydrogen balloons in the form of Charlie's Angels. Well, Charlie's Angels with pale skin, disproportionate butts and smeared lipstick anyway. Even its T & A factor is below industry standards.

And when I say the jump punch is useless, I don't mean it in the sense that it's strategically useless. I mean that it never lands. I've dove into crowds of French maids and butlers with my fist outstretched barely past my knee without leaving a scratch. Oh, did I say French maids and butlers? Yeah the enemies are nonsensical as well. The beginning of the game features a two-girl bikini competition with Cameron Diaz. As soon as it's Cameron's turn, the entire beach turns on her, including volleyball players, construction workers and punk rockers. Each "section" of the levels is divided with invisible walls that can only be lifted by defeating a certain amount of enemies, like hapless bartenders who drop what they're doing, or hapless bartenders who literally drop out of the sky.

But taking advantage of the game's AI, I was able to recreate the introduction to the Beatles' first film, A Hard Day's Night. One stage had a big, open ranch where I ran around as Lucy Liu while about seven stable hands in overalls chased me around the ranch. Well within the invisible boundaries of course. But forget the invisible walls. Enemies tend to often fall through solid walls, floors, ceilings and objects. And since these enemies are impossible to reach because of this clipping, the invisible walls can never be lifted. The developers seem to have given the engine as much form as its stars, which is to say none.

The best thing I can say about it is that it never crashed. But Charlie's Angels is a horrible game manufactured with the creaky spare parts of a rusty genre along with fallen gears from the movie hype machine. This is the kind of game that's given away when you order a large pizza and get the second one for half price. This is the kind of game you might see kids play in daytime cartoon shows. They look generic and lame, but it's clear that yeah, it's a videogame. After that call, I wished that the game could've at least showed some promise. I wished that calling tech support made the game playable even for a half-hour. I've wished all that and I played the game for a few more minutes with morbid optimism. Five minutes passed. And guess what?

Nothing happened.

Disclaimer: This review is based on the GameCube version of the game.

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