Arcade

So all of these years that Mario and Link—and by Mario and Link I mean me—have been devoting themselves to rescuing these ladies and it turns out they don't even appreciate it?

Bloody as Hell

HIGH Revving the chainsaw and delivering a long string of one-hit-kills.

LOW The 2D segments desperately need tuning.

WTF Penetrating an enemy's neck hole with its own head, over and over again.

I actually remember that section of that level in Super Mario World quite well. If it's any consolation to Yoshi, it wasn't an easy decision to make at the time.

Mario needs to be more careful with those stars. We could have wound up with a new series of games like Super Koopa 64, Super Koopa Kart, Dr. Koopa or Koopa Party.

Cave of Wonders

HIGH Completing all ten stages of a new area on the first attempt.

LOW 10,000 feet so far.

WTF How is the spelunker supposed to get back to the surface?

Due to a slight tug of nostalgia that the recently released Sonic the Hedgehog 4 was unable to satisfy, I went back and played through all of the games that comprised Sonic's glory days. You know how it feels when you watch 10-year-old highlight reels of some sports team you care about? How you're reminded of how good they used to be? It was kind of like that. Between Sonic 1-3/Knuckles and Sonic CD I truly felt like they held up after all this time.

In honor of the upcoming release of Super Mario All-Stars: Limited Edition, here is another Super Mario send up from the guys at College Humor. It makes you feel bad for skipping to the end of Super Mario Bros. 3—not that any of us did that of course.

Now that it is about to release Donkey Kong Country Returns, Nintendo goes out and trademarks a catchphrase that no one says anymore. Just like a corporation to be so far behind the times. Stephen Colbert and his writers took notice though and came up with their own. Not the best skit, but the catchphrase for Kirby is the best.

Maybe Try a Cliff Next Time

HIGH Seeing the time machine from TimeCop brought a smile to my face.

LOW Wait, I have to pick just one thing?

WTF Why aren't the annoying Manga angels speaking Japanese?