GameCube

Do videogames based on movies really need to hit shelves the day their films open? "Of course!" answer marketing teams everywhere. What better time for games like Van Helsing or Fantastic 4 to shake their moneymakers than when their companion films are still big news, burning brightly in people's minds? While this practice makes good money for game companies, it doesn't make good games. High Voltage's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory isn't meant for old fogeys like me; it's designed for children, which makes its technical flaws all the more disgusting.

According to ESRB, this game contains: Mild Fantasy Violence

Yes, I know it's a multiplayer game. No, I didn't play it with anyone else. I've finished just about every Zelda game out there, so I figured I'd give this one a whirl too, "connectivity" be damned. If you can handle a review written from this perspective, then please read on. If you can't, then please hit the back button on your browser now.

There is one thing that all would likely agree on: Capcom has produced a game that may seem like a throwback to halcyon days of yore, when adventurers pointed and clicked their way to the end of a game, but it drips modern style and gun action along with rivers of blood.

According to ESRB, this game contains: Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Sexual Themes, Strong Language

The Starfox name has traditionally meant decent (or better) shooter action, and Namco is a strong company whom I usually have great faith in. Although I actually did enjoy StarFox Adventures' foray into third-person action, I was quite glad when it was announced that Assault would be closer to the series' traditional space-borne roots. Unfortunately, (and somewhat contrary to Tera's take on it) the end result of this Nintendo-Namco joint project is a schizophrenic mess not worth the time or money.

Star Fox: Assault's story is shoot-em-up simple: interstellar cockroaches called aparoids are taking over the universe, and the Star Fox team must take them out. Together with old friends Slippy, Falco and Peppy—and his sometime-girlfriend Krystal—Fox exterminates the aparoid menace, one planet at a time. It's not exactly Final Fantasy, but so what?

According to the ESRB, this game contains: Fantasy Violence

Game Description: Star Fox Assault brings back the classic space-combat action with an all-new adventure! After saving the Dinosaur Planet in their last adventure, the Star Fox team is sent to face a new menace. But when a standard combat mission takes a strange turn, the team finds themselves fighting on land and on foot, for the first time ever. Help Star Fox survive this new adventure! Incredible graphics make you feel like you're really there, battling for an alien planet.