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Old 06-15-2012, 12:09 PM   #2
Pedro
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Re: Rate this Review: Indie Game: The Movie

Hey Gazanator

I like the idea of the review and there are some good thoughts in there but I think you're struggling to get them across.

The text is really dense and jumps from idea to idea within the same paragraph and sometimes within the same sentence. I think the paragraphs are too long - they could benefit from being split out into a short, fairly high-level view of what the main thrust of the story was for each developer - for example paragraph 1 about Super Meat Boy, paragraph 2 about Fez, then a counterpoint para 3 about Blow and how that compares and contrasts to the first two. At the moment they are all mixed up in large dense paragraphs. I think you're still a bit wrapped up in the movie and that is reflected in the text.

Then maybe a short section about how well it all works as a movie, what its message is, did you get any sense of the games from the movie, or was it just focused on the struggle etc - basically assessing how the film succeeds in light of its subject matter. Your final para addresses this to some point but needs to be cut down a bit and reworked so it has clear, concise sentences - you have a tendency to use long sentences with lots of commas all through the review.

While you've included a wealth of detail, I think there needs to be less of it; it seems strange to advise someone to make it more general, but that's what I'm thinking.

A good read all the same. I feel a bit glib offering the above advice, especially about the structure of the piece, and you can take that on board or not. However I strongly feel that the text should be thinned out a lot.

Hope this helps!
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