07-12-2011, 01:05 PM
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Ypsilanti, MI
Rep Power: 4
Re: Please Rate This Review: Portal 2 Third Opinion
Originally Posted by SparkyClarkson
The second paragraph starts out a little rough. "Case in point" seems an odd thing to say, since you're obviously talking about Portal 2. The sentence after that is a fragment. Try to be as clear as you can about what you're trying to say in that spot.
Paragraph 7 (about the old research area) needs some work. "To put it plainly" is just empty verbiage, and "I think there was literally four areas..." has a number of obvious problems grammatically and in style. "Literally" should be avoided because, if accurate, it's unnecessary, and if not, it's a lie.
The following paragraph is a catalog of examples that could be a bit better written and made into a more cohesive idea. The puzzles you're describing are mostly built around a trick of "seeing", rather than thinking. Perhaps build out from that idea.
Work on it a bit. It's close.
Hey Sparky, thanks for the feedback. Here are the changes I made based on your criticisms.
- The two sentences you mentioned have been merged into one, and "Case in point" has been removed entirely. The resulting sentence is, "Portal 2 doesn't seek to shatter boundaries or shock the player, and instead is content with being a celebration of the previous entry."
- The second half of paragraph 7 has been largely rewritten. "Literally" and "To put it plainly" were both removed.
- Paragraph 8 (The other one you mentioned) has also been changed. I took the focus off the examples, and put it more on the issues of thinking versus looking. This is mostly communicated through the sentence, "Portal 2 is less about how the player thinks, and more about where the player looks."
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