Originally Posted by Richard Naik
The beginning is kind of wobbly but you finish up strong, especially the last paragraph. See if you can clean up the first three paragraphs a bit and see what you come up with.
Some specific notes:
Bust up that long paragraph near the end-it's a little hard on the eyes right now.
The second paragraph feels really out of whack. For example, the sentence "The woman's name is Paula, and she's the girlfriend of demon-hunting and purple jacket-wearing extraordinaire, Garcia Hotspur." feels more like a robot wrote it, which the sense I'm getting from the whole paragraph. Try rewriting it and see if you can make it sound less awkward.
You can contrast it with Dead Space if you like, but this sentence has to go: "The reason it was so scare-free to me was that I simply did not care about anyone in the story, least of all that plank of wood Isaac Clarke." You don't want to get off topic like that.
You're at a little under 900 words, and while it certainly doesn't need to be longer, I could stand to hear a little more about what kind of game this is. I know it's survival horror, but that's a pretty vague term. You've got some word space left over, so elaborate on that a bit.
Hey Richard, I appreciate the feedback. I made several changes based on what you said, let me list them for you:
- Just about every paragraph has been cleaned up to an extent, especially the first three. They were greatly trimmed and reworded to improve flow.
- I added a new paragraph elaborating on the gameplay to address your point about what kind of game it is.
- I added another paragraph about progression in the game, to further clarify how the game plays.
- I completely removed the Dead Space comparison. Instead, I just have a line about how horror games in general should learn the importance of having likeable characters.
- I greatly reduced that long paragraph you mentioned to make it easier to read.
The review is still about the same length because all my cleaning up was balanced out by my new paragraphs.
Thanks for the feedback!