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Old 06-24-2011, 12:05 AM   #6
Richard Naik
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Re: Please Rate This Review: Shadows of the Damned

Hey Decabo,

The beginning is kind of wobbly but you finish up strong, especially the last paragraph. See if you can clean up the first three paragraphs a bit and see what you come up with.

Some specific notes:

Bust up that long paragraph near the end-it's a little hard on the eyes right now.

The second paragraph feels really out of whack. For example, the sentence "The woman's name is Paula, and she's the girlfriend of demon-hunting and purple jacket-wearing extraordinaire, Garcia Hotspur." feels more like a robot wrote it, which the sense I'm getting from the whole paragraph. Try rewriting it and see if you can make it sound less awkward.

You can contrast it with Dead Space if you like, but this sentence has to go: "The reason it was so scare-free to me was that I simply did not care about anyone in the story, least of all that plank of wood Isaac Clarke." You don't want to get off topic like that.

You're at a little under 900 words, and while it certainly doesn't need to be longer, I could stand to hear a little more about what kind of game this is. I know it's survival horror, but that's a pretty vague term. You've got some word space left over, so elaborate on that a bit.

Thanks!
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