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Old 06-23-2011, 12:04 AM   #3
Eric Bowman
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Re: Please Rate This Review: Shadows of the Damned

Hey frog, thanks for the feedback!

Quote:
Originally Posted by frogofdeath View Post


I would get rid of the first part. Don't pick one, just state the entire game is. I would also keep the "Really", it fits your writing style.
That's actually what I wanted to do in the first place, but I was afraid that that'd seem like an uncreative cop out. I'll dwell on this some more.


Quote:
While I appreciate a writer who utilizes the colon, this is one long run-on sentence. Try rephrasing the beginning (where you mention his other games) and I would break it up into at least two (maybe three) sentences.
Good call. I'll split that into two sentences, while still maintaining the colon. Best of both worlds, mate.


Quote:
Something about the beginning of the sentence seems awkward to me. The alliteration of "humor" and "horror" made me go back and read the phrase three or four times to make sure I had it correct. Maybe use an antonym for one of the words? (this is a big maybe...) Also, it's another run-on sentence.
I'll be sure to switch up the wording so it flows a bit better.


Quote:
This sentence seems out of place in your review. It could fit, but I really think it needs reworking to better compliment the paragraph it is part of.
I'll try to work it in better. I'd like to have it in there somewhere, since it works to help my point about the important of having likeable characters in horror, at least to me.


Quote:
In this paragraph you use "Hell" and "the Hell". I would stick to one throughout the paragraph ("Hell") with the exception of your topic sentence. "The Hell" works for that part.
Haha, now that you mention it, that looks really glaring. I'll make that consistent as well.


Quote:
Get rid of this sentence.
Sure.


Quote:
This one too!
I'm not going to get rid of it, but I'll tie it in better.


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I would rephrase this. I'm glad you informed me where the tequila is coming from, but the part in parentheses seems tacked on.
I'll do just that.

Quote:
Also, I noticed you used past tense ("washed" should be "washes"). Just like a book, the game itself is something that should be written in present tense. Not sure if this was an issue in other parts of the review, but go back and look for these instances. I tend to do the same thing, I flip back and forth between the tenses.
In most contexts, I'd agree, but in this particular instance, I'm talking exclusively about my experience when I played the game and how the issues affected me, not just the issues in general. As I played the game, the issues washed over me. If I were to say "As I play the game, the issues wash over me", that would imply I was still playing the game, which I'm not. In most cases, present tense would be correct, but at that point, I was only talking about how I reacted when I played the game beforehand. I could be wrong, but that's my interpretation.


Quote:
I would get rid of the parentheses, but keep the text. It fits your writing style better that way. However, I just noticed I told you to clip the strawberry comment in the WTF section. Now I'm not sure you should, because then you lose this reference.
I think I'm gonna keep the strawberry line. I'll probably keep the line in parentheses too, just on the off chance a parent doesn't catch my sarcasm. I don't think it hurts the text too much.


Huge thanks for the thorough critique, frog. I'm implementing a lot of what you said.
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Last edited by Eric Bowman; 06-23-2011 at 12:22 AM.
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