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Old 06-01-2011, 10:32 PM   #16
Eric Bowman
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Re: Please Rate This Review: L.A. Noire

Quote:
Originally Posted by SparkyClarkson View Post
This looks pretty good, but that paragraph about dramatic weight still needs some work. It ends up being redundant; if you like the second way you phrased it better, just use that. Also, the paragraph makes the main story sound oppressive rather than intense, which may not be what you're going for. Maybe don't say that you "desperately" wanted to get away from it.

There are still a few minor grammatical things you should check, too. For instance, the sentence "Perhaps I want this game to be too much like a Grand Theft Auto..." is a run-on and has a subject-verb agreement error.

Otherwise, I agree that it's pretty close.
Thanks for the advice, Sparky. I see what you mean about the dramatic weight paragraph, I'll work on making it more concise.
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