Re: Please Rate this Article: Examining Choice in Dragon Age: Origins
Structure needs to be the writer's vision, otherwise he wont be able to communicate in his own voice.
However, it needs revising. You could cut this by 20%.
"Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." - William Struck Jr., "The Elements of Style"
This is the most important passage ever written about writing.
The first paragraph, "Many readers and staff on this site have praised Bioware’s high fantasy epic Dragon Age for its compelling story, loveable characters, and nail-biting decisions. Truly, it is a great game, but no one has had the time or focus to closely examine each of the games major choices in an effort to discover what makes them so great. A closer examination reveals that not all of these choices are nearly as good as the others, and hopefully, by the end of this article, you will have learned something about what makes story choices in a game compelling, and what makes them forgettable."
... would read better as thus...
"Dragon Age: Origins has received lavish praise on this site for its compelling story, intriguing characters, and moral dilemmas. Though it is a great game no one has examined the game's choices to discover what makes them great. Not all of these choices are as good as others. This article aims to teach readers what makes choices either compelling or forgettable."
Still not a great paragraph, I only cut the fat. It could still use to be reworded.
For example, the first paragraph comes off as arrogant and condescending. While you may know better what makes story choices compelling or forgettable, "hopefully you will have learned something" can feel insulting, as though you believe the reader would remain ignorant without your insight.
Last edited by adembroski; 07-12-2010 at 08:18 PM.