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Old 01-25-2009, 11:32 AM   #7
David Stone
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Re: Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan! Review - Please Rate This Review

"every tongue has preferred routes"

I think that's one of the best sentences ever written on these forums.

At any rate, let me give you some concrete examples of what I mean. Here's a big run-on you have at the outset:

"Whenever a downtrodden citizen finds himself in a situation beyond the limits of what he or she can bare, they shout ‘OUENDAAAAN!’ at the top of their lungs, and, without fail come three burly men dressed in black trench coats, the renowned Ouendan, armed with cheer routines and a catchy J-Pop soundtrack."

This is a prime example of a run-on sentence. This should be broken up into multiple thoughts. Also, if you're going to pick a gender (i.e. himself) you must commit to this gender (no "he or she"). It's not politically incorrect to do this, despite the PC reform of the late 90s.

"Whenever a downtrodden citizen finds himself in a situation beyond the limits of what he can bare, they shout ‘OUENDAAAAN!’ at the top of their lungs. Without fail, three burly men dressed in black trench coats (the renowned Ouendan) arrive, armed with cheer routines and a catchy J-Pop soundtrack."

But, again, we're still mixing gender, by switching to neutral partway through. This is probably the most correct:

"Whenever downtrodden citizens find themselves in a situation beyond the limits of what they can bare, they shout ‘OUENDAAAAN!’ at the top of their lungs. Without fail, three burly men dressed in black trench coats (the renowned Ouendan) arrive, armed with cheer routines and a catchy J-Pop soundtrack."

Also be careful with words like "their" and "they're." The sentence immediately following the example fell into this trap.

While I didn't catch any misuse of apostrophe, I would urge any potential writer to please Google "Bob the Angry Flower's Guide to the Apostrophe".

I apologize if this seems like nit-picking, but, for me, expressing without voice means that the words must be doubly clear.

Last edited by David Stone; 01-25-2009 at 11:38 AM. Reason: Added extra clarification
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